Essays, etc.
“Another Country: On the relationship between country music and white supremacy—and what we can do about it,” December 17th, 2018.
“Does Morgan Wallen Represent Country Music?” No Depression, February 15th, 2021.
“How Does Country Music Use Nostalgia to Help Keep White Supremacy in Place?” Panel at Country Soul Songbook Summit, December 10th, 2021 with Professors Francesca Royster, Nadine Hubbs, and Charles Hughes.
Using Country Music to Organize Against White Supremacy, a short film for the Country Soul Songbook Summit, October 17th, 2020.
“You’re My Country Music,” Journal of Popular Music Studies, June, 2020. An essay on why I started putting on queer country shows and what queer country means to me.
A Queer Country Manifesto, Rainbow Rodeo, 2020.
Lyrics
Why Do We Want What We Want
Why Do We Want What We Want
Emissary
The Gone
People Love You the Way They Love You
Kol Nidre
Guaranteed Broken Heart
Guaranteed Broken Heart
There You Are
Jonah and the Whale
Why Won’t You Come Back to Me
Your New Life Now
Far Away
Third Time’s the Charm
Queen of Denial
When People Show You Who They Are
It Ain’t Me
Something True
You’re My Country Music
The Narrow Place
Back Down to the Dirt
Can’t Miss What You Never Had
The Wire
Nowhere
Take Me for a Ride
The Man Who Loves You
The Price of the Ticket
Walk Through the Desert
Do It for Myself
I Was Just Your Fool
Everything We Had
The Names of Things
Around the Bend
Asleep at the Wheel
Just a Little Heartbreak
The Names of Things
One Hand in Debt
Black Box
Tender Buttons
Tami’s Broken Bones
Star
Ocean Born Mary
Part I – Persephone
Part II – Caged Bird
Part III – A Plague on Your Houses
Part IV – All the Oceans
Why Do We Want What We Want (2023)
Why Do We Want What We Want
What’s past is past
I had a dream that this could be true
It didn’t last
All of the past bled right through
Each cell inside me singing back to that very first sea
Will I ever get free?
Why do we want what we want
When it don’t give a damn if we’re safe?
Why do we want what we want
When it spits right back in our face?
Why do we cry when it’s gone
When we know we ought to pray
To be saved From what we want
I tear it out
Deep as I can, down to the root
It grows right back
Covers me up with its horrible blooms
My mama’s mama’s mama’s mama all just like me
Am I the one to get free?
Why do we want what we want
When it don’t give a damn if we’re safe?
Why do we want what we want
When it spits right back in our face?
Why do we cry when it’s gone
When we know we ought to pray
To be saved From what we want
Emissary
Why would you bring me here?
To this place of fire
To this place of tears
When I would travel any star but here?
If this is where I exist
If something tore so deep that it can’t be fixed
Help me find the faith to live with it
We can’t give you what you won’t give yourself no
We can’t give you what you won’t give yourself no
We can’t make you into someone else
I thought my path was clear
I could walk a line through my darkest years
Ah but I was only ever here
If this is where I exist
If something tore so deep that it can’t be fixed
Help me find the faith to live with it
We can’t give you what you won’t give yourself no
We can’t give you what you won’t give yourself no
So let this make you into someone else
Someone else
Let this make you someone else
The Gone
Down, down down
Down beneath where you thought the bottom ends
Down where there ain’t even one spec of light
Where the weight of the water will give you the bends
They say what if the dark is the cave where we’re born?
What if the dark is the way we transform?
Oh but what if the dark don’t mean nothin’
‘Cept it ain’t the dawn
Why don’t the gone stay gone?
Why don’t the gone stay gone?
Stay gone
Stay gone
I bind your book with twine
Then go to the river like the witches said
I make a sign that means don’t you come back
Then I throw it down off of the ledge
What if I’m cursed? What if I’m blessed?
What if there’s nobody else who comes next?
Oh what if this all don’t mean nothin’
‘Cept there’s nothing left
Why don’t the gone stay gone?
Why don’t the gone stay gone?
Stay gone
Stay gone
If you ain’t gonna fade
Guide my way, guide my way
Oh my ghost of the waves
Am I drowned or am I saved?
Are you my faith?
Why don’t the gone stay gone?
Why don’t the gone stay gone?
Stay gone
Stay gone
People Love You the Way They Love You
Well I know what you dreamed
That love would keep you warm, make you safe
Make you seen
And I know how you feel
That if you’re hurtin’ and alone
It wasn’t real
But baby that ain’t part of the deal
‘Cause people love you the way they love you
Not the way you need to be loved
What they’ve lost
What they’ve been through
I know you think you have a say
But it ain’t true
Now that don’t mean that it’s right
Or that people never change
Well they just might
But I know that their hearts
Ain’t always got the skill it takes
To play their part
Sometimes it just ain’t in the cards
‘Cause people love you the way they love you
Not the way you need to be loved
What they’ve lost
What they’ve been through
Sometimes to walk away is
All that you can do
But oh a greater love
It’s on its way
It’s on its way
It’s nothing like you dreamed of
But it’s on its way
It’s on its way
It’s on its way
‘Cause people love you the way they love you
Not the way you need to be loved
What you’ve lost
What you’ve been through
Sometimes holding on is all that you can do
Sometimes holding on’s the best
That you can do
Kol Nidre
I’m back here again
Stuck with this heart
That never quite mends
But maybe that’s all that I need in the end
People will come and they’ll go
And you can’t even guess at their pain and their hopes
Oh everything’s broke and we don’t even know
Why do we want what we want?
Does anyone know how to turn this thing off?
Its busted pipes rattling like bones all night long
Why don’t the gone stay gone?
Why do these ghosts keep singing me songs?
If nothing lasts, why won’t they let me move on?
All that you vowed
All that you swore
All that you promised
Ain’t promised no more
Guaranteed Broken Heart (2019)
Guaranteed Broken Heart
I dreamed about people in love
Running through the streets late at night
Looking at the stars up above
But it ain’t you and it ain’t me
They’re just some random people
That I saw on TV
‘Cause I won’t dream about you
I won’t let it go that far
‘Cause if I can’t live without you
It’s a guaranteed broken heart
Most things ain’t sure, most things change
What was whole comes apart
What was broke heals again
But one thing I know, one thing I trust
Is that you stay the same
And you don’t love me that much
So I won’t dream about you
I won’t let it go that far
‘Cause if I can’t live without you
It’s a guaranteed broken heart
Don’t touch my face
Don’t say my name
Don’t smile that smile
Don’t look at me that way
‘Cause I won’t dream about you
I won’t let it go that far
‘Cause if I can’t live without you
It’s a guaranteed broken heart
There You Are
Let these vines grow over me
Let these branches be my bones
Let this sun be all I need
Let this dirt become my home
But then
There you are
There you are, there you are, there you are
Take this salt and scrub me clean
No desire, don’t grasp, don’t cling
Let these waters cover me
Let there be a reckoning
But then
There you are
There you are, there you are, there you are
If you brought me pain
Then pain is what I needed
And if I can’t be saved
Then let me be defeated
Because
There you are
There you are, there you are, there you are
Jonah and the Whale
Draw my line in the sand
Then watch the waves wash it away
Say I’ll be my own man
But then I begged for you to stay
Sat on my hands
Like a child who can’t behave
And who can’t understand
Why I can’t just have my way
Don’t stop, don’t stop
Swallow me whole
Don’t stop, don’t stop
Body and soul
Don’t stop till I’m no more
Take me all the way down
The deepest deep, the darkest dark
Where I’ll never be found
And I can sleep beneath your heart
Here with my kin
Your belly full of all their bones
And your sweet medicine
Oh I finally found my home
Don’t stop, don’t stop
Swallow me whole
Don’t stop, don’t stop
Body and soul
Don’t stop till I’m no more
Jonah, don’t fight it
Jonah, just be guided
Jonah, just be broken
Jonah, smashed wide open
Don’t stop, don’t stop
Swallow me whole
Don’t stop, don’t stop
Body and soul
Don’t stop till I’m no more
Why Won’t You Come Back to Me
Cut my hair and clean my mess
Why won’t you come back to me?
Put on my best party dress
Why won’t you?
Say my prayers down on my knees
Why won’t you come back to me?
Be a good girl pretty please
Why won’t you?
Oh my darlin, what else can I do?
Drain the ocean for just one drop from you
Oh my darlin, I’m undone
Give me your kiss or let the end days come
Shave my head and burn my hair
Why won’t you come back to me?
Burn that dress I used to wear
Why won’t you?
Beg the witches for a spell
Why won’t you come back to me?
Don’t care if I go to hell
Why won’t you?
Oh my darlin, what else can I do?
Drain the ocean for just one drop from you
Oh my darlin, I’m undone
Give me your kiss or let the end days come
Oh my little angel
Kicked me out of heaven
Oh my little angel
Sent me back to hell
Your New Life Now
Will this be your new life now?
Darkness longer than the day
Darker than your dark, dark eyes
Let it fade away
Will this be your new life now?
All the leaves wet on the ground
Like you used to strip me down
Let it fade away
Watch the pavement I won’t fall
I don’t need the sky at all
I don’t need to see your face
Let it fade away
Everything you could not say
Every thread I picked and saved
Now the pines will keep them safe
Let it fade away
Will this be your new life now?
Will you float or will you drown
Or will the witches show you how
How to fly away?
Far Away
I know you were right
I know you had to go
I know the house was burning down
Even if it burnt slow
But that don’t make it easy
No baby no
Not with this fire
That swallowed me whole
Some people you can love up close
Some people from afar
And I guess the trick is knowing
Which kind they are
Of course I’m gonna love you
For all of my days
Heaven help me to do it
From far away
I know I was right
I know I had to leave
You were singing from a distant shore
Never standing beside me
But that don’t make it easy
No baby no
Not with your sweet song
In my blood and my bones
Some people you can love up close
Some people from afar
And I guess the trick is knowing
Which kind they are
Of course I’m gonna love you
For all of my days
Heaven help me to do it
From far away
Show me a map, a star, a sign
I’ll find my way
Let me come close enough to just
Touch your face
Some people you can love up close
Some people from afar
And I’m no damn good at knowing
Which kind they are
Of course I’m gonna love you
For all of my days
Heaven help me to do it
From far away
Third Time’s the Charm
Well the first time you broke my heart
It took me by surprise
I thought all those songs ’bout love at first sight
Were nothing but a pack of lies
But then I kissed you beneath the stars
I could have kissed you there for days
I said please don’t let this end
But you just walked away
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
But I still ran back to your arms
‘Cause baby, third time’s the charm
Well the next time you broke my heart
I thought maybe you had changed
We were older now but still somehow
I felt exactly the same
I tried hard to be gentle
I tried hard to go slow
But like a frost in early spring
You turned cold, cold, cold
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
But I still ran back to your arms
‘Cause baby, third time’s the charm
This time, oh this time
I knew how it would end
But this time, oh this time
I couldn’t wait to start again
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
But I still ran back to your arms
‘Cause baby, third time’s the charm
Queen of Denial
You’re old enough to know it’s true this too shall pass
But your weary heart’s still fading fast
Wishing all day long like that might bring him back
But it won’t
You can fake a smile
Drown in sweet denial
Or cry along when George Jones sings
You can stare that phone down all night long
But you ain’t gonna make it ring
No, you ain’t gonna make it ring
Maybe you’ve been thinking you should wait
What if he finally sees it’s a mistake?
What if he still dreams about your open arms?
Well, he don’t
You can fake a smile
Drown in sweet denial
Or cry along when George Jones sings
You can stare that phone down all night long
But you ain’t gonna make it ring
No, you ain’t gonna make it ring
You don’t have to want him back
You don’t have to live here in the past
Go on, find somebody new
I know you’ve done this all before
So pick your heart up off that floor
And do it all
Once more
You can fake a smile
Drown in sweet denial
Or cry along when George Jones sings
You can stare that phone down all night long
But you ain’t gonna make it ring
No, you ain’t gonna make it ring
When People Show You Who They Are
I see it shining out of you
Something that’s whole and bright and true
You don’t see
What I see
You don’t see
You need to bury it down deep
What can you do with my belief?
I don’t see
What you see
I don’t see
When people show you who they are
Believe them
Who taught you who you have to be?
Who taught me to wait here on my knees?
You don’t need
What I need
You don’t need
When people show you who they are
Believe them
Let me keep my lie this one time
Let me close my eyes this one time
Let me keep my lie this one time
Oh, believe them
Believe them
It Ain’t Me
I held on as long as I could
I was hurting but I still believed our love was good
Now you’re off
Living your new life
And I want you to be happy
But sometimes late at night
I wonder
What if your heart will open up
Wider than it ever opened up before
And a new love comes rushin’ through that door?
It ain’t easy knowing
It won’t be me
I can’t complain, it’s been awhile
I see you kiss her at the bar and I practice my best smile
And I know
I don’t wanna know
But the question eats me up inside
And never lets me go
What if your heart will open up
Wider than it ever opened up before
And a new love comes rushin’ through that door?
It ain’t easy knowing
It won’t be me
Guess I’ll have to pack away all of this past
Like I had to pack away everything else
And I’ll keep all this love to myself
What if your heart will open up
Wider than it ever opened up before
And a new love comes rushin’ through that door?
It ain’t easy knowing
It won’t be me
Oh darling
It ain’t me
Something True
Count out all the days
Count out all the years
Now that you’re all alone
Who do you wish were here?
Did I waste all my love
to wind up with nothing true?
Or is there no wasted love
‘Cause any love is something true
Something true
What gets left behind?
What can you not say?
What if the end of time
Washes us all away?
Did I waste all my love
To wind up with nothing true?
Or is there no wasted love
‘Cause any love is something true
Something true
Oh, the fires will come
Oh, and their guns
There’s nothing they can’t do to us
So I guess I might as well keep lovin’ you
Did I waste all my love
to wind up with nothing true?
Or is there no wasted love
‘Cause any love is something true
Something true
You’re My Country Music
Back in school they taught me to tell it slant
Say something new, don’t bore us all with cheap romance
But then my bed was actually cold
And my heart actually broke
And I learned there was more than what’s new
You’re my
Rock, my spark, my candle in the darkness
Half my heart, my shining star, my only wish
And every
Tired old cliche that I dismissed
All it took was one damn kiss
It just took you
To make it true
I keep on learning every day
About what’s real behind every cliche
There’s nothing they haven’t seen
So just hold on to your dreams
And mean what you sing
You’re my
Rock, my spark, my candle in the darkness
Half my heart, my shining star, my only wish
And every
Tired old cliche that I dismissed
All it took was one damn kiss
It just took you
To make it true
What I lost, you lost too
What I found I see in you
You’re my
Rock, my spark, my candle in the darkness
Half my heart, my shining star, my only wish
And every
Tired old cliche that I dismissed
All it took was one damn kiss
It just took you
To make it true
The Narrow Place (2017)
Back Down to the Dirt
How many times did I
See the signs
But I told myself why
Not give it one more try
How many times with these
Same little plans
With these
Same little hands
Singing oh no, this is different
How many times
Must the bottom fall out?
How many times
Must the walls get torn down?
Till I make my roof the sky?
Build your house up
Oh you made it strong
Made it last the storm
But it ain’t over
Till the wolf comes
With his mighty curse
With his heart of hurt
And blows it
Back down to the dirt
Out with the straw
Out with the sticks
I started again
And I went with the bricks
Closer to you
Or just closer to hell?
Well, I bricked the windows
So it’s hard to tell
Bolt the boards
Still the bottom falls out
Shore the walls
Still it all gets torn down
Oh just make your roof the sky
Build your house up
Oh you made it strong
Made it last the storm
But it ain’t over
Till the wolf comes
With his mighty curse
With his heart of hurt
And blows it
Back down to the dirt
Now baby who’s afraid
Of that bad wolf?
I should have been afraid
Why weren’t we afraid?
Now baby be afraid
Of that bad wolf
Build your house up
Oh you made it strong
Made it last the storm
But it ain’t over
Till the wolf comes
With his mighty curse
With his heart of hurt
And blows it
Back down to the dirt
Can’t Miss What You Never Had
There’s the way things are
And the way that they could be
I got pretty good
At living in between
All those people on the tv screen
Playing out my favorite dream
Made it seem like something we could touch
A home, a family
Our own little magnolia tree
But it was just something we watched
And you say
Can’t miss what you never had
Can’t miss what you never had
But I do
I was living on fumes
But now I miss the smell
That oilcan shimmer of hope that says
You never can tell
Now you’re running as fast as you can
Away from this never-never land
Where no pixie dust ever made us fly
But I’m still on my window sill
Watching the night sky
Wishing I were wishing you’d arrive
And you say
Can’t miss what you never had
Can’t miss what you never had
But I do
All these what-ifs and wonderings
All my hoping that something
Could make this wish true
And you say
Can’t miss what you never had
Can’t miss what you never had
But I do
The Wire
Hold your breath beneath the reeds
Still the wire it will find you
See it clawing up the leaves
Its light burning through the trees
You will lose everything
You will lose everything
Will you make it through unseen?
Or become their precious thing?
Whisper wait into the wire
But it won’t wait, it won’t wait
It won’t wait
You will lose everything
You will lose everything
How long, how long
How long till it’s your turn?
Let me be
Not consumed but burn
How long, how long
How long till you learn?
That you will lose everything
You will lose everything
You will lose everything
Nowhere
How much further out can the outside be?
Nothing but this desert far as I can see
I remember how the Red Sea used to sing
I remember how it swallowed everything
Let the compass spin
Turn me round again
Doesn’t matter if it’s here
Doesn’t matter if it’s there
Any place without you is nowhere
I was split when I was known
Always one half in danger, one half home
Scarred my tongue to keep my secret safe
Now my secret’s all that I can taste
Let the compass spin
Turn me round again
Doesn’t matter if it’s here
Doesn’t matter if it’s there
Any place without you is nowhere
All these bones
On the other shore
How my sister sang
But I don’t sing no more
Let the compass spin
Turn me round again
Doesn’t matter if it’s here
Doesn’t matter if it’s there
Any place without you is nowhere
Take Me for a Ride
We can’t say we’ve just begun
No, this ain’t our first time
We can’t blame it on we’re young
I see those laugh lines
Why don’t you drive by tonight
Come take me for a ride
Let those clock hands spin round, round
Let that big sun fall down, down
Let me take you on the town
Don’t care what those folks say
I don’t even have one doubt
Wanna kiss that pretty mouth
And then keep on kissin’ south
‘Cause you’re still the girl I dream about
All these years and I’m not bored
Oh no, baby
‘Cause oh my lord, here comes my girl
In a flatbed Ford
Why don’t you drive by tonight
Come take me for a ride
Let those clock hands spin round, round
Let that big sun fall down, down
Let me take you on the town
Don’t care what those folks say
I don’t even have one doubt
Wanna kiss that pretty mouth
And then keep on kissin’ south
‘Cause you’re still the girl I dream about
Ride, ride, ride
C’mon, cowgirl
Ride, ride, ride
If we don’t then who will?
Ride, ride, ride
Let those clock hands spin round, round
Let that big sun fall down, down
Let me take you on the town
Don’t care what those folks say
I don’t even have one doubt
Wanna kiss that pretty mouth
And then keep on kissin’ south
‘Cause you’re still the girl I dream about
The Man Who Loves You
I know this world don’t treat you right
Day in, day out, it’s a fight
I know you dream of an escape
Some superman to kill the pain
I wish that I were born that strong
Wish I could wave some magic wand
But I can hold you all night long
Ain’t that enough?
I am just the man who loves you
I can’t grow no wings
Fly you away from things
I can’t clear the clouds above you
But I can stand this ground
Won’t be turned around
‘Cause baby, I’m the man who loves you
If I’m the rock and not the rain
If I’m the dirt, not the flame
If I’m the bass note underneath
Not some high, sweet melody
If all that glitters lets you down
If it can’t block the next day’s sun
Baby, I’ll still be around
Ain’t that enough?
I am just the man who loves you
I can’t grow no wings
Fly you away from things
I can’t clear the clouds above you
But I can stand this ground
Won’t be turned around
‘Cause baby, I’m the man who
When it’s dark, when everything
Falls apart
Still sees your pure, clear, perfect heart
I am just the man who loves you
I can’t grow no wings
Fly you away from things
I can’t clear the clouds above you
But I can stand this ground
Won’t be turned around
‘Cause baby, I’m the man who
The Price of the Ticket
“Later, in the midnight hour, the missing identity aches.”
– James Baldwin
Write your notes back to home
In an alphabet they can’t read
Save your change for the phone
But no line could ever reach back
To a person that you’ll never be
To a country that you’ll never see
To a language that you’ll never speak
La dai dai…
Did you fall so far?
Somewhere they never dreamed
Did they make you the star
Of a story that never rings true
About a person that you’ll never be
And a country that you’ll never see
In a language that you’ll never speak
La dai dai…
If they held us down, hold me up
Hold them down to hold us up
Did I hold you down to hold me up?
When will we just rise up?
La dai dai…
Walk Through the Desert
When they write what has happened here
It will seem so clear, like they knew
All that loss, all the haze and fear
It will disappear like the truth
I don’t know why but I
Walked through the desert all night
Walked through it all my life
And I don’t know why
There’s a fire on the mountaintop
But in my black heart only smoke
What I’d give for the flames to stop
For this god to turn back to ghost
I don’t know why but I
Walked through the desert all night
Walked through it all my life
And I don’t know why
Why throw it all away?
What if we could have stayed?
All that we’ve done is trade
A grave for grave
A plague for plague
I don’t know why but I
Walked through the desert all night
Walked through it all my life
And I don’t know why
Do It for Myself
You say don’t wait
We all make our own fate
Take what you gotta take
To get to what you need
Be your own girl
Captain of your own world
Show ‘em how you stay alive
All alone at sea
So if you won’t turn back and
Take me in your arms and
Say I was always the one
If you won’t listen to your heart
Pick up that guitar
And write me this song
Guess I’ll do it for myself
Why should I miss
Worrying and wondering?
Now I ain’t got nothing
To worry ‘bout but me
And all these dreams
I thought you dreamed too
Now it’s just me who
Has to believe
So don’t you turn back and
Take me in your arms and
Say I was always the one
Don’t you listen to your heart
Don’t pick up that guitar
Don’t write me this song
I’ll just do it for myself
And oh who needs this part?
Oh take me back to the start
You say don’t wait
We all make our own fate
Take what you gotta take
To get to what you need
I Was Just Your Fool
Every heart
Like every stage
Has the same stock parts
The one in distress
The hero to the rescue
And the villain lurking in the dark
I wasn’t sure
Which part you’d choose for me
If I wasn’t your star
I hoped I’d play a lead
But I was just your fool
Is this one of those plays
Where only the fool is
Free to tell the truth?
Why should I care?
If you don’t love me
Than what good does that truth do?
Someone rewrite this script
Turn its world upside down
Put a poor child on the throne
And make the queen love the clown
‘Cause I was just your fool
Tear up these rags I wore
Tear out the page
Tear down this sad, cheap set and
Burn down the stage
I won’t be your fool
Everything We Had
I was writing this song
For a long time before now
But I kept changing the words
Because I didn’t want to know them
I didn’t want to break your heart
I didn’t want you to break mine
But if you gave everything you had
And I gave everything I had
And it wasn’t enough
What could ever be enough?
If we’ve got nothing left but loss
Oh my darlin’, don’t you cry
Let the music stay with us
River deep and mountain high
I know I’ll always have your heart
And you’ll always have mine
But if you gave everything you had
And I gave everything I had
And it wasn’t enough
What could ever be enough?
All of our wrongs
All of our rights
All of our darkness
All of our light
Every star we couldn’t see in the cold, dark night
Everything we had
And if I broke your heart
And if you broke mine
It just wasn’t enough
The Names of Things (2014)
Around the Bend
Everyone wants you to say
That it was meant to be, that you’re better off this way
Cue the sun after the rain
And reveal the sweet surprise that was just gift-wrapped in your pain
I’m not tryin’ to poke a hole in your romantic fantasy
I’m sure that my misfortune has no bearing on your destiny
No, I wouldn’t mind to wind up as your proof of happy ends
But for now it’s looking dark around the bend
Everyone wants to believe
That there’s a purpose to the fall of every lonesome leaf
Cue the ledger in the clouds
Where it’s written down in stone how it all magically works out
I know that I’m supposed to say I think this life has got some weight
That it can’t just bust wide open till it’s all been blown away
And maybe there’s some cosmic scale that’s balanced in the end
But for now it’s looking dark around the bend
Is that a sliver of light up ahead?
Or just some desperate mirage?
Don’t make me get my hopes up yet
If it’s the headlights of some oncoming car
Everyone wants you to be
Even better than before, your wounds sewn up expertly
Like some Frankenstein of fate
Reanimated with the bits of all your best mistakes
If the future’s flying toward me on some cheerful bluebird’s wings
Why does it feel more like I woke the hive and all its angry stings?
I know you’d like me to confirm this sorrow turns into a friend
But for now it’s looking dark around the bend
Asleep at the Wheel
Well we gave it a hell of a fight
We screamed and we talked and we cried
Till we had to admit that calling it quits
Was the only thing we hadn’t tried
So you gave me one last farewell kiss
And I promised that I would be brave
That I’d do my best to go it alone
And I’d smile when I thought of your name
But last night I woke up in your headlights
And my heart was racing to go
So I snuck out like some teenaged girl after dark
And we sped off back out on the road
It’s time to wake up now
This isn’t real
Stop driving by my house
Asleep at the wheel
It’s hard to remember the exit
When it’s years of to have and to hold
When your foot is still on the pedal
But baby your arms have gone cold
And tonight I woke up in your headlights
And my heart was racing to go
But I know we ain’t got no business
Being back out on the road
It’s time to wake up now
This isn’t real
Stop driving by my house
Asleep at the wheel
Just a Little Heartbreak
My old friend, forgive me if I cross the line
If it’s not for me to say
But I fear we might be running out of time
And I’d rather risk you hating me if it might keep you safe
I know you don’t want me to know
But I’m begging you to finally let go
It’s just a little heartbreak
Nothing you can’t handle
So hold your head up and walk out that door
It’ll be lonesome
But you can manage
Your heart needs so much more
I know it’s love but this ain’t what love is for
You say you can’t just turn your back upon a vow
You remember how it used to be
But can’t you see that was then but it ain’t now
And the past you share don’t mean that you can’t leave
I know you’re scared to go
But you don’t have to do it all alone
It’s just a little heartbreak
Nothing we can’t handle
So hold your head up and walk out that door
It’ll be lonesome
But you can manage
Your heart needs so much more
I know it’s love but this ain’t what love is for
The Names of Things
You had a plan
And your plan was just to run
Simple as it seems
Turns out you’re the lucky one
While I circle around
I can’t land nowhere
I can’t bear to touch ground
But I can’t breathe in this air
Once the song and what you sang were still the same
And the words still stood by what they named
And the rain still called itself the rain
You burn the library down
And ride off into the sun
Leave it all behind
Just your horse and favorite gun
While I watch from the woods
I wonder what I would have saved
It don’t do no good
Better learn to love the flames
Once the song and what you sang were still the same
And the words still stood by what they named
And the rain still called itself the rain
One Hand in Debt
Are you gonna get what you need
Wrapped up in a bow just like you dreamed?
Are they here to lay the table
Or are they here to feed?
Sing it to the sky if you dare
Did you think the clouds would care
About your little box
About your little bow
About your little dream?
If you’ve got one hand in debt
And the other in vain
But you can’t turn back yet
This could be the only way
But they’re gonna make you pay
Here’s a little match for the dark
Here’s a pretty mask for your part
Hope you come out right
Hope you come out strong
Hope you come out clean
If you’ve got one hand in debt
And the other in vain
But you can’t turn back yet
This could be the only way
But they’re gonna make you pay
Watch your back, little darlin’
Look how the stars are falling
What will you do if your debts are all called in?
Black Box
I called off the search today
Packed my black box dreams away
There is not some missing piece
You are not some mystery
Rummaged through each word I knew
Wasn’t even one that made it through
You are just a stranger, I am just a ghost
There is no remainder, nothing left to know
There’s no book of why
No secret diary in the sky
Time to set your decoder down and let it slide
Just say good-bye
Where does all that’s unsaid live?
Can I go and visit it?
Somewhere on the moon? Somewhere undersea?
Somewhere up so high
The air’s too thin to breathe?
There’s no book of why
No secret diary in the sky
Time to set your decoder down and let it slide
Just say good-bye
The heart’s a brutal force
No set anchor, no set course
Mutinied and lost at sea
You’re not coming back for me
There’s no book of why
No secret diary in the sky
Time to set your decoder down and let it slide
Just say good-bye
Tender Buttons
I say it’s cold, you say it’s winter
I say are you lonesome, you say you don’t mind
But still, night after night
Maybe you will, maybe you’ll write
Until dawn
Asleep at your desk with some tangled-up mess
That I’m supposed to type
You say just bend
But everything broke
You say I’ll mend
But it goes so slow
And if you can’t stay
Why don’t you go?
You say it’s spring, but it feels like winter
And if I am lonesome, I pay it no mind
Because night after night
Maybe you will, maybe you’ll write
Until dawn
Asleep at your desk with some tangled-up mess
That I’m gonna type
You say just bend
But everything broke
You say I’ll mend
But how would you know?
And if you can’t stay
Why won’t you go?
You say just bend
But everything broke
You say I’ll mend
But it goes so slow
And if you can’t stay
Why don’t you go?
Baby, don’t go
Tami’s Broken Bones
Round and around and around and around we all go
Where this is ending oh baby I hope that you know
You say what more could you need than a horse of your own?
But if this is a carousel, how will we make it a home?
You take my heart
But you just keep the darkest part
So if you can’t shine for all to see
Please just burn for me
If I am clumsy, it’s only because I am lost
Burnt by the ash of a cigarette someone else tossed
And if all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Still couldn’t do it then why would you dream that you can?
You take my heart
But you just keep the darkest part
So if you can’t shine for all to see
Please just burn for me
Oh darling, why?
You toss and turn
Oh darling I
Can’t seem to learn
You take my heart
But you just keep the darkest part
So if you can’t shine for all to see
Please just burn for me
Star
You could wait your whole life for what’s safe
Board the windows up and walk away
Or let the cards be played
Again
And if the dark is a given, so’s the light
I see them both there in your eyes tonight
But there is just one sky
One end
If I wander off too far
I’ll still know just where you are
The city lights are bright
But they can’t hide your star
If my ship gets washed away
I won’t even be afraid
The ocean’s black but I can
Map it by your star
What if this world doesn’t want us here?
Uses all its might to make us disappear?
My love shines just as strong
And clear
If I wander off too far
I’ll still know just where you are
The city lights are bright
But they can’t hide your star
If my ship gets washed away
I won’t even be afraid
The ocean’s black but I can
Map it by your star
Ocean Born Mary (2012)
Part I: Persephone
I was born upon the sea
On a ship bound for America
And though my mother fled a famine
Her hunger bled into my heart
It’s a birthright that I bear
Even in this life beyond the flesh
The pound and strum, the beat and hum
The hunger song of my heart
It’s calling, calling, calling
From the underground
Oh the sweetness of the falling
Darling, take me down
Was I spared or was I marked?
Was I called to haunt or called to grace?
No milk could chase that darkest taste
The hunger sown into my heart
It’s calling, calling, calling
From the underground
Oh the sweetness of the falling
Darling, take me down
Could it be this, could it be this
Could it be just one lonesome kiss
Will you take me down?
Could it be this, could it be this
A drop of poison for my lips
Will you take me down?
Part II: Caged Bird
How do I keep it safe?
Lock everything away
Keep it from the light
How do I make you stay?
Boarded and bricked away
Keep you in the night
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
If you might not come back to me
Why should I ever set you free?
If you don’t belong to me
You still should be mine
If my heart’s a cage
Then at least that keeps you safe
If I clip your wings
Don’t try to fly
Why don’t you sing?
Oh to be so adored
Isn’t that what we’re for?
What else could you need?
Everything here is yours
Everything but that door
That belongs to me
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Why won’t you hold on to me?
If you might not come back to me
Why should I ever set you free?
If you don’t belong to me
You still should be mine
If my heart’s a cage
Then at least that keeps you safe
If I clip your wings
Don’t try to fly
Why don’t you sing?
If I clip your wings
Baby, don’t cry
Just sing
Part III: A Plague on Your Houses
A simple rhyme to seal the new
Something borrowed, something blue
But the ending’s not as clean
Something hard and something mean
So tunnel down into the dirt
Or raze the city, salt the earth
Buried deep without a sound
Or ashes ashes on the ground
Doesn’t matter what you need
Choose the leaf or choose the seed
One is just a hard-shelled dream
One is broken by a breeze
So make a map of where it hurts
Make a list of which is worse
And let it all come tumbling down
Ashes ashes all around
No, no, no
If I don’t feel it I won’t go
If the sky is falling down
I’m still rooted to the ground
No one’s going home
No
My heart tells me so
Tied down to the mast
If this ain’t gonna last
Baby, you should know
I won’t go down alone
What you said
Take it back, take it back
I won’t hear it
Take it back, take it back
What you said
Take it back, take it back
I won’t hear it
Take it back, take it back
No, no, no
If I don’t feel it I won’t go
If the sky is falling down
I’m still rooted to the ground
No one’s going home
No
My heart tells me so
Tied down to the mast
If this ain’t gonna last
Baby, you should know
I won’t go down alone
Part IV: All the Oceans
Is there something I should say?
Should I wish my crime away?
I am not ashamed
I didn’t see another way
Am I left just holding bones?
Did I make this grave a home?
If it’s hell to haunt these walls
Well, at least I’m not alone
All the oceans
The deepest well, the longest rain
Couldn’t wash this need away
All the armies
The darkest cell, the longest chain
Couldn’t ever make you stay
They say let him rest in peace
How much can just one girl need?
But I don’t care how long you stay
If you’re only gonna leave
All the oceans
The deepest well, the longest rain
Couldn’t wash this need away
All the armies
The darkest cell, the longest chain
Couldn’t ever make you stay
Love is good but blood is better
Some things have to last forever
All songs written by Karen Pittelman
©Ocean Born Mary Music